mom of a special needs adult

what is it like to be a mom to a special needs adult? Therdavid 1 - Copye are things that you expect when you have children, you expect for them to grow up and become independent adults, self sufficient and able to live their own life, one that includes you but doesn’t depend on you. When you have a special needs child they are your responsibility all their life. They don’t grow up and become independent adults. They need you to protect them, feed them, bathe them, house them the same as you did when they were small. Having David is like have a 250 pd 3-6 year old. He is completely dependent on me and his father to meet his needs and protect him from danger. This is not a hardship for us, we love him, he is our son. But what happens when we are gone? Who will take care of him then? Who will love him enough to take care of him when he is at his worst? When he throws a fit that causes damage to the house or the facility where he is staying? Because this happens. This happens way more often then I care for. Not so much damage to my home but damage to others homes that take care of him and also to the center where he goes during the day. This week David has been on a rampage…he has kicked a hole in the wall of the bathroom, tore a door off the hinges of the bathroom, pounded in the doors of the storage shed denting them up pretty bad…this was all done without known provocation. I am sure that there was a trigger it just isn’t evident what it was at this time. Soooo I left work and went to pick him up on Friday early because of the escalation of this behavior. Now at home he has been calm, easy to get along with, with no outbursts of any kind. I am frustrated with what is happening and what is causing him to be so agitated when he is away from his dad and I. I know that he prefers us over anyone else, but I can’t be with him 24/7. I have a full time job and so does his dad. Do I need to quit my job and stay home with him? Would this really be in his best interest? How is he supposed to learn to interact with others if he is always with me? How am I supposed to have any time away from him and being a constant caregiver if I stay home with him. I have 5 normal children and 1 special needs son. All my children are gone now, living their lives, they are all healthy and happy, doing great. David is still home for now. I would love for him to be able to live in an assisted living situation, but if he can’t keep from damaging the property of the day center he is at, what are the chances that he will ever get into an assisted living place? If he is violent and angry who is going to be willing to take him into their facility? His case worker wants him to see a psychiatrist. She thinks that he would get better meds from there than he is on from his neurologist. I just hate to have more dr’s giving him more meds. Some days I just hate to be the mom, some days I want to have only “normal” children. Not all the time mind you, but during these times when he is at his worst I just want to run away. I can’t run away, there isn’t anyone else who loves him like I do, I really want to have him situated in a safe place and happy in a home before I am gone, not that there is any danger of my death that is known at this time, but there have been several deaths of young people that were totally unexpected and I am not guaranteed tomorrow. None of his siblings want the responsibility to care for him. I just have so many things on my mind and my heart is heavy. I really don’t know what to do about David and his behaviors right now or what to do about his future. I do know there is one who loves him more than I do and that is my heavenly Father.  I know He will guide my steps in taking care of David, right now I am having a hard time hearing his direction though.

4 thoughts on “mom of a special needs adult

  1. Sweetie, it breaks my heart to read this. I know how concerned/stressed/discouraged you are and how much you love him and want the best for him. I wish I could be of more help. You know I love you, I love David, and I’m here for you. I’ll do whatever I can to make things easier for you.

    Father, You created David exactly as he is with a purpose and plan for his life. He is a blessing and we thank You for him. I pray you will give all of us an extra measure of wisdom and insight into what’s been making David so unhappy lately and provide clear direction on how to correct it. Please protect David from hurting himself or others when he gets upset and protect those around him. Give his caregivers patience and gentle spirits when he’s acting out. Please guide Lanie and Charlie and protect David in the selection of doctors and caregivers. You know whether or not he needs a new doctor, different meds, or different caregivers. I don’t know how a psychiatrist is going to help, but You know EXACTLY what and who he needs. If one would help, please make it clear. If not, lead them in the right direction. If there is an adult living facility out there that would be a good fit for David, lead them to it. Please give Lanie and Charlie a time of refreshing, rest and a renewed strength- a second wind- a fresh burst of hope, as they continue to parent David. We trust You to show them what to do. I pray that Lanie will be able to release all of her concerns and anxiety to You in total trust and that You will exchange those concerns with peace and a clear path, Lord. Let her rest in the fact that You’ve got the answer and You will provide. Help her not to feel discouraged, Lord. Lift her up and pull her close. Help her not to worry about the future. When the time comes that Lanie and Charlie can no longer take care of him, I pray you will raise up Godly caregivers to provide David with the love, patience, stability and care he needs. Thank You, Jesus. Amen.

    (And Lanie, if God tells you it’s time to quit working and stay home with David, you KNOW I will still be here to help you carry the load. He can come over here every day just as he does now. I won’t let you be home with him 24/7, feeling cut off, overwhelmed, discouraged or never getting a break- and I’m sure you have others who feel the same way.)

    God’s got this, sweetpea. Fear not. I love you.

  2. Thank you Chelle! I don’t know what I would do without you! You truly understand what I’m talking about as you have experienced him at his worst and still you love him, thank you for that. It has not been easy I know and yet you have walked with me and David through it all you are a true friend sticking with me even when David is horrible and destructive, not everyone has that kind of love and friendship to give, a fair weather friend you are not!!! I am blessed beyond words to have you in my life! I love you dearly!

  3. I love you, I DO understand. I am so thankful that we serve a God that has it all under control, and He is with us through it, and thankfully, He’s working out all the details for future issues! We just have to walk it out, one day at a time. So much easier to say when you are not the one walking it out… that’s why I am here, to remind you, just as you remind me…God’s got this!

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